Lessons I'm Learning

I don't always listen.  To my peers.  To myself.  To God.

I tend to live by the heart... and it gets me into trouble.  Most every time.  You would think I would have learned by now...  I am trying.

I have gained so much insight about people and about life and about patience in these months since my husband, Rob, passed on.  I have a lot of time now, time I haven't had in so many years.  I can reflect on thoughts and actions, hopes and dreams, all while trying to stay emotionally above water.  There really is a powerful peace I'm in... I just get lost in the silence sometimes.  All in all, I am doing alright. :)

I have found that there are many people in this world who aren't who they pretend to be.  And there are people who are exactly what you expect.  There are others who pique your curiosity but should be avoided.  Strong counsel tells you to stay away, yet you singe the edges of compassion in thinking they are just misunderstood.  You can learn quickly that what you see is exactly what you were warned about.

Lessons.  All around.

I am seeking counsel more and more these days, because I can be easily swayed in thinking there is good in everyone.  Reality is that we live in a fallen world, and there is true darkness all around us.  So we need clear eyes and minds to see through the shadows and the murkiness.

The ability to see and hear clearly comes when we are tuned-in to life and the precious gift it is.  When we listen to our Creator who speaks to us through His written Word, and through godly counsel of those who know Him.

I know this.  Yet now and again I hopefully chase after those fairy tales in my mind and try to decide things in my time rather than God's time.  Not a good idea.

I don't mind being alone.  In fact, I enjoy it most of the time.  I do mind being lonely.  But that is a hole that only God can fill.  And if I listen, and stay in relationship with Him, He will bring good from all things.  Even loneliness.

Patience.  Peace.  Love.  My lifesongs.

A truly God-based relationship is what I seek with every person I meet.  But I have to remember that there is a spiritual war between good and evil going on every moment of every day.  And I don't want to be dragged down the wrong path by pretenders.  By the darkness.  

So I will listen to that inner urging that tells me it's not alright when I'm in emotional places I am not strong enough to be in yet.  I will seek wise counsel.  I will stay in prayer and relationship with God.

Psalm 23 has been so personal to me, and for me, since Rob left.  God leads me to lie in green pastures on beautiful, blissful sunny days.  He leads me beside quiet lightly flowing waters, and restores me.  Restores ME.  He leads me in His righteousness.  Even when I tread through these dark days, I am never alone, because He loves and protects and comforts me.  He prepares for me, blesses me, and I am overwhelmed in His love.  His grace and mercy will bless me for eternity, and I am and will be with Him always.

Yes.  
There is joy in the quiet.  
Peace in the waiting.  

And I am truly thankful.

In Peace and Love,

Cheri ♥

 

I'll Be Back...

Hey there...

It’s been awhile, I know.  I am not as good at balancing as I thought I was.  I dropped the ball and didn’t notice.   

Until today.

I wanted to update life a bit for those who listen and follow.

Rob has had 8 treatments now of this experimental immunotherapy since the chemo stopped working on his stage IV cancer.  Some of the tumors are responding slightly, and some have stayed the same.  So this is progress and positive.  It does not wreak the havoc in his body that the chemo did, and he looks and feels much better than before.  Though much has changed in our lives, in a quiet moment a few weeks back I did thank him for giving me a place to stay when my 25-year relationship/marriage fell to pieces.  I was sure I had thanked him before, but his sincere response made me believe I dropped another ball.  He told me I was most welcome, and thanked me for thanking him.  A good memory to save.

2015

My beautiful daughter, who has suffered so much from the neurological damage done by not getting the proper diagnosis for Chiari Malformation and all that comes with that, has been struggling with some really hard days.  Her firstborn daughter, Izzy, age 10, just underwent brain decompression surgery after being diagnosed with a more severe diagnosis of the same Chiari.  And along with Chiari comes something called Tethered Cord, which both Izzy and 7-year-old Ally have  --  like their Mom.  The spinal cord is actually “tethered” at the base, causing the spine to curve as they grow (scoliosis).  It is a very serious surgery, because if they cut the wrong cord, one of hundreds within the spinal dura, the result would be paralysis.  Both girls are scheduled to have the tethered cord “released”… Ally on Sept. 27^th and Izzy on November 1^st (as long as the brain decompression continues to heal as well as it is).  We are thanking God that Ally is not showing signs of Chiari, or Ben, age 2.  They will continue, Nicole included, to be monitored and treated as symptoms arise.  These major surgeries are not cures, they are treatments that will help.  Please continue to lift this beautiful family in prayer… This entire family loves the Lord more than any I’ve seen, and you see it in all they say and all they do.  I don’t know how I was so blessed to be a part of that.

These last 8-9 years have been overwhelmingly stress-filled for me  --  which I have been balancing pretty well, or so I thought.  And I know that so many others deal with too much, as well.  I know that Jesus is the One that keeps my head above water and keeps me going.  I don’t know how people get through things  --  through life  --  without Him.  I would have been a puddle of tears long gone by now on my own.  The strength I feel when I can’t imagine it possible is awesome.  I don’t know how I get up each morning and do all this day after day after day.  But God… 😊

That being said, I am still dropping balls all over the place.

I have reached a point that God is saying to me, “Cheri!  Listen to Me!  You need to stop before you end up on the floor!”  He is shaking me awake.  Now.  So I am stopping.

So much has gone on in these days and years, most of it in an unrecognizable whirlwind.  I now stand in the stilled silence, surrounded by so much ear-deafening noise, trying to figure out what happened.   I have a wonderful team of people around me now that tell me I am disengaging  --  emotionally unplugging from life  --  because it’s just been too much, and I am dropping so many balls daily.  Yes, I do feel it, too.

I have decided to take time away from this electronic world as we know it.  I don’t want constant input, because I am full right now and needing to find ways and places to breathe again.

I don’t want to disappoint anyone in my life or anyone that passes through it or steps into it.  Most importantly though, I don’t want to disappoint God.

I look at my life… my past… on paper, and it looks and sounds awful.  And in my heart, it is even so much worse.  My heart has been stomped on both on purpose and by accident.  I find myself fighting to survive everyone around me so I can freely carry on somewhere over the rainbow.  I am under attack and I’m not sure why, but it’s real and it hurts deep.  My compassionate actions end up ripping the rug out from under my life, and I don’t like falling down!

I don’t want this to sound like a real downer of an update … I just want to let you know that I’m leaving for awhile.  I can’t be distracted.  I don’t want to make any more life-altering decisions based on lies or deceptions.  Or on bad timing.  I believe in people, I give them the benefit of the doubt, I give my heart and soul.  I love and I care.. in a heartbeat!  I guess I just don’t listen well enough when I should.  Timing is everything, and I’m learning still that my time is not God’s time.  He is in charge.  He will work all things for good for those who believe and are called according to His purpose.  Not ours.  Not mine.  His.

So I will be seeking peace and peace-filled places in time.  Re-learning how to breathe again as God takes this major mess I’ve created and smooths the rough edges and cuts out the dark spots and leads me where I’m supposed to be.

It sounds foggy and confusing, but it’s all bright good. 😊

Please don’t stop showing compassion and kindness… to everyone around you.  You may be the only one to do so to someone who is feeling lost, or alone, or scared.  And don’t stop loving people.  Everyone wants to be loved.  True love.  Out loud.  God’s awesome design of love.  Real and from deep within.  Honest and pure.

I continue to pray for you, my family and friends, daily.  I can’t even imagine the darkness I’d be in without being lifted in your love and prayers.  I wish I could see you all face-to-face to tell you I love you and care about you and I’m here for you.  Even now.

Please enjoy the coming Autumn  --  my favorite of all seasons  --  and the laughter and beauty and friendships it brings.

I’ll be back.  😊

In Love and In Peace,

Cheri ♥

Josh Krajcik, "Let Me Hold You"  --  Just discovered, and love. ♥ 

https://youtu.be/DwSq17kZvyo

 

Changes

My escape, my home, my peace... some day. ♥

I've been here and there, sometimes flitting around as if on butterfly wings, sometimes for minutes, other times for hours, but most times just quietly.  I follow you and pray for you when you think I've disappeared.  

But I'm here still.

Life is never what you expect it to be.  Not always the perfect little house with a white picket fence and beautiful gardens and sunshine, or the private little log escape in the wilderness.  Sometimes it's a rugged valley of slippery, jutting stones that is really hard to cross.  Sometimes it's like a long night where you keep waiting for the sunrise.  Sometimes it's walking along the shoreline with the breeze carrying your thoughts away.

Yes, I've been quietly busy and occupied.  And so blessed that no matter where I am or what I am doing or going through or celebrating... God carries me.  So thankful, He carries me.

Ben, Ally, and Izzy (Pic by Colie)

Much has happened and changed in these fast-passing months.  You have all been Prayer Warriors for my beautiful daughter and her life with Chiari and all the associated medical issues, pain, and difficulties that surround her daily.  Both of my precious granddaughters are on this road now, too.  Our sweet Izzy has been diagnosed with severe Chiari and tethered cord, and will be undergoing brain decompression surgery in late July, and spinal cord release surgery in November as her healing permits.  And our equally precious Ally, we are finding from recent testing and neurological appointments, will not be far behind Izzy.  This nasty Chiari monster that they tell us is not hereditary, seems not to know that.

I don't understand all of this and why so much weight of pain even exists.  But it's not our place to question.  It's our place to listen and learn and to be carried through it all for a reason we have yet to understand.  It's having faith to know that God is in charge and in complete control, and He loves these princesses of His even more than we possibly can.  So even though tears may work their way through on occasion, there is instant and resounding peace as well.  And a strength to get up and move forward in His presence.  We can do that.  Absolutely and with confidence.

Ben, Ally, Izzy, with precious friends in between! (Colie pic)

And then there is this wildly-in-love-with-life and smile-giving grandson that drys the tears on my face and in my heart with but a smile, or a hug, or an "I love you, Grandma."  With but a thought of him, my life is happy.  Bless the Lord, oh my soul. :)

I have been busy at work, remaining full time, not in my own strength.  Family leave days and emergency needed days have made all PTO days evaporate for the year.  It's okay, it will all work out.  I guess in reality the last thing I need is idle time. :)  I would enjoy more quilting time, more quiet, unrushed time as in years long past now.  But I am only seeing things from my perspective in these wishful moments.  I prefer to let God handle it all, since He is the only one who sees the big picture.

Yes, life is filled with changes.  Constant, wanted and unwanted, confusing and forceful, but reflective all the same.  I am learning so much, and remaining hopeful to learn more.

Rob is in a place of peace right now.  For those who don't know, his chemo treatments had stopped working, and he is on an experimental, antibody immunotherapy treatment.  There has been some reduction in some of the tumors, and we also learned that his cancer metastasized to his liver.  I think I felt that a while back after reading CT's in detail  --  a talent I didn't know I'd discover.  But he's feeling good and enjoying the days, and we continue to watch him as this treatment can cause major side effects and stop working at any time.  But if it does, there are other chemo treatments his oncologist is stacking up in her paperwork and ours.

My faithful and loving boy
♥

I went to court this past Wednesday, the first day of Summer 2017, and resumed my maiden name.  It's who I was, and who I will always be.  It's just easier to make involved changes during these quieter months than waiting for life to start moving in fast, roller-coaster motion again, and trying to handle more than I can.  Rob said it didn't matter one way or another to him (thankful, grateful).  It mattered to me.  Even for something so trivial, I was at the top of my game in making a decision, through much prayer, and I am who I am who I am.  Me.  Enough. Thank you, Jesus.

And then there's Riley.  My boy who waits patiently for me to return from wherever I disappear to each day, who is my shadow when I'm home, who loves me unconditionally.  And I do so in return.  He brings much love and laughter into my life. :)


The last 7 or so years are much of a blur, like when you place a drop of paint in a tray of water and it spreads quickly and in different directions.  Still beautiful in it's own way, but nothing solid  --  it's watered down and through.  Life will always be beautiful  --  I can see treasures everywhere I look, especially when I stop and take time to breathe.  I feel like decisions were made in many aspects while I was way off in the background saying, "...wait... I need time... it's going too fast... I have to catch my breath... I want this merry-go-round to stop for just a minute so I can think... what's going on?... what's happening?..."  Hmmm... I seem to have these days now and then. :)

I miss being in touch with many of you, when the freedom of playing on the computer and surfing here and there lasted long.  During endless moments of the wee early morning hours as the new day approached.  Time is passing far too quickly these days, and it's full of so many important lessons that God is teaching me now.  I don't like to spend any more time than I have to on all my electronic things.  I would rather be here in the present, in the real, because I need that right now.  The days seem to fly by while I feel like I barely do more than wake, work and repeat.  I laughingly tell people I am living in Groundhog Days, wondering what exactly it is that I am supposed to be learning, and why it seems to be taking me so long to do so.  But I'll keep getting up and doing it over and over until I hopefully do learn what I should be.  Hard as it is most days.  I will carry on, a wayward daughter of the living Lord.

Yes, I am a bit tired this warm, wet evening.  I work again in the morning, but I love working my quick and quiet Saturdays.  They recharge me to be able to go back again for another week.  Plus, the afternoons are mine for a few hours after work.  I disappear and let life carry me away for a needed time.   I have lots of thinking times, reflective times... even during the busiest of days.  Always thinking.  Daydreaming.  Wishing.  Waiting.  Thankful and blessed.

I am starting a special project for Izzy, crafted by heart and hand, and will let you know when I complete it.  I will need your help for part of it.  :) 

I am always listening to contemporary praise and worship music... as much as I can, because that's what I want in my head and that's what I want my life to reflect.  I just listened to Jesus Culture, and found these words of theirs fitting for a close to this ramble of mine...

                "...And all that I am I place into Your loving hands, And I am Yours... I am Yours. "

In love and in peace, and always with a grateful heart,

Cheri ♥

https://youtu.be/oyBw_DrEv34 -  And another... ♥