Changes

My escape, my home, my peace... some day. ♥

I've been here and there, sometimes flitting around as if on butterfly wings, sometimes for minutes, other times for hours, but most times just quietly.  I follow you and pray for you when you think I've disappeared.  

But I'm here still.

Life is never what you expect it to be.  Not always the perfect little house with a white picket fence and beautiful gardens and sunshine, or the private little log escape in the wilderness.  Sometimes it's a rugged valley of slippery, jutting stones that is really hard to cross.  Sometimes it's like a long night where you keep waiting for the sunrise.  Sometimes it's walking along the shoreline with the breeze carrying your thoughts away.

Yes, I've been quietly busy and occupied.  And so blessed that no matter where I am or what I am doing or going through or celebrating... God carries me.  So thankful, He carries me.

Ben, Ally, and Izzy (Pic by Colie)

Much has happened and changed in these fast-passing months.  You have all been Prayer Warriors for my beautiful daughter and her life with Chiari and all the associated medical issues, pain, and difficulties that surround her daily.  Both of my precious granddaughters are on this road now, too.  Our sweet Izzy has been diagnosed with severe Chiari and tethered cord, and will be undergoing brain decompression surgery in late July, and spinal cord release surgery in November as her healing permits.  And our equally precious Ally, we are finding from recent testing and neurological appointments, will not be far behind Izzy.  This nasty Chiari monster that they tell us is not hereditary, seems not to know that.

I don't understand all of this and why so much weight of pain even exists.  But it's not our place to question.  It's our place to listen and learn and to be carried through it all for a reason we have yet to understand.  It's having faith to know that God is in charge and in complete control, and He loves these princesses of His even more than we possibly can.  So even though tears may work their way through on occasion, there is instant and resounding peace as well.  And a strength to get up and move forward in His presence.  We can do that.  Absolutely and with confidence.

Ben, Ally, Izzy, with precious friends in between! (Colie pic)

And then there is this wildly-in-love-with-life and smile-giving grandson that drys the tears on my face and in my heart with but a smile, or a hug, or an "I love you, Grandma."  With but a thought of him, my life is happy.  Bless the Lord, oh my soul. :)

I have been busy at work, remaining full time, not in my own strength.  Family leave days and emergency needed days have made all PTO days evaporate for the year.  It's okay, it will all work out.  I guess in reality the last thing I need is idle time. :)  I would enjoy more quilting time, more quiet, unrushed time as in years long past now.  But I am only seeing things from my perspective in these wishful moments.  I prefer to let God handle it all, since He is the only one who sees the big picture.

Yes, life is filled with changes.  Constant, wanted and unwanted, confusing and forceful, but reflective all the same.  I am learning so much, and remaining hopeful to learn more.

Rob is in a place of peace right now.  For those who don't know, his chemo treatments had stopped working, and he is on an experimental, antibody immunotherapy treatment.  There has been some reduction in some of the tumors, and we also learned that his cancer metastasized to his liver.  I think I felt that a while back after reading CT's in detail  --  a talent I didn't know I'd discover.  But he's feeling good and enjoying the days, and we continue to watch him as this treatment can cause major side effects and stop working at any time.  But if it does, there are other chemo treatments his oncologist is stacking up in her paperwork and ours.

My faithful and loving boy
♥

I went to court this past Wednesday, the first day of Summer 2017, and resumed my maiden name.  It's who I was, and who I will always be.  It's just easier to make involved changes during these quieter months than waiting for life to start moving in fast, roller-coaster motion again, and trying to handle more than I can.  Rob said it didn't matter one way or another to him (thankful, grateful).  It mattered to me.  Even for something so trivial, I was at the top of my game in making a decision, through much prayer, and I am who I am who I am.  Me.  Enough. Thank you, Jesus.

And then there's Riley.  My boy who waits patiently for me to return from wherever I disappear to each day, who is my shadow when I'm home, who loves me unconditionally.  And I do so in return.  He brings much love and laughter into my life. :)


The last 7 or so years are much of a blur, like when you place a drop of paint in a tray of water and it spreads quickly and in different directions.  Still beautiful in it's own way, but nothing solid  --  it's watered down and through.  Life will always be beautiful  --  I can see treasures everywhere I look, especially when I stop and take time to breathe.  I feel like decisions were made in many aspects while I was way off in the background saying, "...wait... I need time... it's going too fast... I have to catch my breath... I want this merry-go-round to stop for just a minute so I can think... what's going on?... what's happening?..."  Hmmm... I seem to have these days now and then. :)

I miss being in touch with many of you, when the freedom of playing on the computer and surfing here and there lasted long.  During endless moments of the wee early morning hours as the new day approached.  Time is passing far too quickly these days, and it's full of so many important lessons that God is teaching me now.  I don't like to spend any more time than I have to on all my electronic things.  I would rather be here in the present, in the real, because I need that right now.  The days seem to fly by while I feel like I barely do more than wake, work and repeat.  I laughingly tell people I am living in Groundhog Days, wondering what exactly it is that I am supposed to be learning, and why it seems to be taking me so long to do so.  But I'll keep getting up and doing it over and over until I hopefully do learn what I should be.  Hard as it is most days.  I will carry on, a wayward daughter of the living Lord.

Yes, I am a bit tired this warm, wet evening.  I work again in the morning, but I love working my quick and quiet Saturdays.  They recharge me to be able to go back again for another week.  Plus, the afternoons are mine for a few hours after work.  I disappear and let life carry me away for a needed time.   I have lots of thinking times, reflective times... even during the busiest of days.  Always thinking.  Daydreaming.  Wishing.  Waiting.  Thankful and blessed.

I am starting a special project for Izzy, crafted by heart and hand, and will let you know when I complete it.  I will need your help for part of it.  :) 

I am always listening to contemporary praise and worship music... as much as I can, because that's what I want in my head and that's what I want my life to reflect.  I just listened to Jesus Culture, and found these words of theirs fitting for a close to this ramble of mine...

                "...And all that I am I place into Your loving hands, And I am Yours... I am Yours. "

In love and in peace, and always with a grateful heart,

Cheri ♥

https://youtu.be/oyBw_DrEv34 -  And another... ♥