Too Long

I can't believe it's been nearly two months since I've poured out words and feelings on my blog.  They have been here, inside me, just not out on paper... or on screen, so to speak.  So many things are happening right now, and it's hard to keep up with all I need to keep up with.

I  used to be so good at multi-tasking... at handling whatever came my way no matter what.  Maybe it's age.  Or winter.  Or both.  Or neither.  I have been tired.  Tired when I get up, tired during the day, tired at night.  I am falling asleep here at my laptop as I write, so please excuse any typos. :)

All in all, I have handled things with strength... not mine, but God's through me.  Since 2007 I have been a caretaker for my daughter and her family as she underwent critical diagnoses as well as a high-risk pregnancy, brain surgery, and spinal surgery.  And her conditions are ongoing.  But she is an amazing woman.  Such an inspiration to me!  I thought more than once that she would die in my arms.  Then my Mom did die in my arms... and in my brothers.  My world as I knew it unraveled as I moved more than once across the state with my life in boxes and bags.  New job, new friends, new life.  And then, just as swiftly, God weaved it all back together for me.  I married my teenage love in 2011, and I found my smile again.  Then he was diagnosed with an invasive monster this past November.  But it's not going to steal away the joy in my soul.  In our souls.  Ever.  And that's the short version!  Yes, not in my strength, but in God's through me.  I am so thankful for every new day I'm given.  I want to use them well, and full.  Tired or not, I want to soak it all in.  I don't want to miss a thing.

There is so much swirling around in my head, that it's hard to bring it all to a peace in the quiet night hours.  But when my head rests against my pillow, God takes me to dreamland in an instant.  I just wish I could stay there longer some days.

If I were operating on my own power, I would have run out of juice years ago.  But God believes in me, so I do, too.  If He thinks I can, that's good enough for me.  For I want to please my Father, my Savior, my Source of Strength.

And He's given me the wisdom to make sound decisions... Like knowing it's time to stop rambling through my fingers and go to bed so I can enjoy the blessing of a brand new day.  I want to enjoy and savor every sunrise and every sunset, and all that's inbetween.  In all reality, just how cool is that?!?  :)

Love and Blessing to All...  Goodnight.

Cheri ♥ 

Hiding and Seeking

Hiding and Seeking... It's what I seem to be best at doing lately.  Minutes roll into hours into days into weeks, and they are flying by like a movie with the fast-forward button stuck 'on.'   I'm seeking answers to hard things in this life, and at the same time, I'm hiding so I don't have to know.

I find it easy to get caught up in the busy, to just merely function without having to think much.  I get filled with the noise of every day just so I won't have to feel where my heart is.  Even though I live as an adult, and I certainly see one when I look in the mirror... when I'm in my quiet, I'm still a shy, scared little girl looking out the window, waiting for life to be whole and good.  Forever.

I bury myself in the treasure of a book, so I can be taken far away to a different place... at least for a little while.  Then I find something else to hide behind. Or stay away from.  And sometimes the sheer exhaustion of balancing has me drifting off to sleep whenever I just stop moving.

But I've always believed there is good in everything, whether we see it right away, or years down the road.  And so it goes with hiding, too.  Because even in the hiding, there are moments of seeking in the silence, when those scary scenarios slowly creep in.  And though they are not on the forefront of my thoughts, they are nonetheless churning within, finding resolution, giving silent direction on which way to proceed should they become reality.  The mind is awesome.

I love the beautifully complicated way that God designed us... giving us the ability, with His direction, to be prepared for the forks in the road, whether we're aware of that preparation or not.  When the time comes, the fear will be put down, buried in the dust of the past.  And we will step in to the new day.  For all it's worth.

Be blessed in your new days.

Cheri ♥  

It's About "Time"

It's about time... everything is.  Time for this and that, not enough time, too much time.  That's where I am right now.  Time.  Using it wisely.  Using it gratefully.  

We get so busy these days with all that's going on around us, and all we're involved with.  We run around with lists and organizers to get us through, and each morning not thinking of much more than getting the day done.  Faster and faster we go, filling every free moment with "something" that calls to us.

Then one day it changes, not by choice, but it changes.  And you step out of the craziness and you're in the quiet, although you still see the world going on around you.  But now, you're more of an observer than a participant.  You realize all the time you've wasted... not doing the things you wanted to do, not doing the things you needed to do.  And it's dawning on you that time is not a forever option.  It's limited.  And the struggle is, we don't know how limited it is.

So we are suspended in a place of thought, searching frantically and deeply on how to fix this.  And the reality is that all we can do is remember this moment and pray that it flows within us for the rest of our days.  So that we don't waste any more time.  So that we make better use of our time.  So that we become better at what we were created to be.  So that those who are most important to us will know that they are most important to us.  So our time is filled with being thankful for each moment of each day.

Time is fleeting, this is for sure.  With a mind full of swirling thoughts on this beautiful autumn evening, I want my time here to matter.  I want to make good use of the time that I'm given each and every day.  Sharing a smile with a stranger, giving full attention to a friend in need, wiping away tears, encouraging others, holding hands on a peaceful walk, standing up for what's right and true and noble. 

And quietly and humbly, I pray for more time.  Time to fix my misuse of it, and time to do better.  I want to be bold in my gratefulness for this time.

Be blessed... :)

Cheri ♥

Goodbyes...

Goodbyes... I don't like them much.  For the most part.  Some goodbyes are good goodbyes.  Some are sad.  Some are needed.  Some hurt.  Some are temporary, and some are permanent.  Even when you don't choose them to be.

Goodbyes bring about a time of reflection, at least for me.  They make me look around my life.  They make me listen harder.  They make me see things I didn't see before.  I think goodbyes keep me grounded in reality, even if that's not where I want to be.  People change and places change, just when you start getting comfortable.  That's the hard part.  Or maybe, it's not.  With all that goes on in this crazy, busy world... I don't ever forget the goodbyes.

I want the goodbyes to bring about something good.  Even if they hurt.  I want to learn from them.  I want to learn to be a better listener  -  before another goodbye.  I want to enjoy each moment of my life and all who enter into it with me  -  before another goodbye.  I want to know I did all I could do  -  before another goodbye.  I cherish this gift of life I've been given, and I want to use it to the full.  To be better. 

With every goodbye I find a quiet hole in my soul that stays empty.  And I think that's okay for a while.  Then I start to fill it with the promise of "hope."  Not all the way full though... I want to be able to remember what I need to remember.

Be Blessed...

Cheri ♥

Reality Check...

People seem to go about their days, absorbed in the little details, as if it's all those little details that matter the most.  A bad day at work, the crazy man behind the wheel in front of you, the wait in line at the store, the rain ruining your hair, dirt on the carpet, the carryout taking too long, fingerprints on the windows... All the little details that consume us.  Or distract us.

We don't seem to have our priorities in order:  God, family, friends, then all the rest.  Things get scattered in the busy of life.  They get lost in the rush and the hurry and the constant struggle to keep up.  They're hidden from our view because all we can see is what's here and what's now.  And we worry about where to go next, and what to do with this and that.  We can get caught in the madness and believe it's real.  Until something happens to suddenly shake us awake.

Then we sit in the silence of our thoughts, wondering how all those trivial things became so important.  How they consumed all the precious minutes and hours and days.  How they distracted us from what matters the most.  And in an instant, that grip of fear runs through you... that it may be too late to get the order of importance where it should have been all the time.

Who and what matters the most?  What exactly are your priorities? 

It's time for a reality check...

In love and with blessings,
Cheri ♥

Swirling, Twirling, Coming Autumn

There is nothing quite as lovely, to me, as Autumn.  The colorful, swirling leaves... the layers of oranges and yellows and reds along the treetops... the crispness of the fresh air.  And wearing sweaters.  I love wearing sweaters.

I feel most alive in the Autumn months.  I am excited for the family times that come with the holiday season, and for the more quiet and relaxed evenings that start earlier with each passing sunset.  I love seeing homes with lights on in the windows, or dancing lights from someone's fireplace.  To go for long walks in the evenings, wrapped arm in arm...

I guess to me, Autumn is all about "home."  And I love being home.  I am comfortable here, I can rest here, and I can enjoy my time.  And if I want to, and I do at times, I sing out loud, and twirl and dance with my dog.  Although she is older now and can't stay up on her hind legs, she still lifts her paw onto my leg with that cheerful glimmer in her eye as I sing and act like a nut.  We're dancing partners from way back, you know.  Pure and simple love.  She thinks I'm the best dancer... :)

So, be happy where you are.  Belt out a tune, and swirl across your floor to some lovely music that brings it out in you.  And most of all, share your joy with those that surround you, be it two-legged or four.

And be blessed.

Cheri ♥

To Better Choices

First, an apology... That I'm not able to be here as much as I want to be.  I am writing here every day in my head, it just doesn't always show up in print. :)

Time seems to get away from me, and it's just because of LIFE.  Not much different from anybody else.  Days run together, and before we know it, years are gone that we can't always make up.  I remember as a child, days were long, weekends went on forever, and summer vacations were awesome.  (Summer vacations are STILL awesome!)  I think that as we get older, we let others expectations of us take away some of those hours.  That, and trying to keep up with everyone and everything around us.

I long to jump off this crazy ride, and find a little cabin in the woods where I can wake when my body says it's time to wake, sit in the sunshine and smell the flowers with my morning cup of coffee, put puzzles together with the background noise of an afternoon thunderstorm.  I long to read a mountain of books that take me anywhere I want to go, and to doze in the late evening hours before a crackling fire... You know, just enjoying each minute, of each hour, of each day...

It really isn't important to me how big or fancy my home is, what designer clothes I wear, or how new the car is I'm driving.  I just want to slow down again, I just want to enjoy the time again.  It's all about choices.

Today I choose to start doing better at living... the way LIFE was meant to be.  

To better choices for us all.

Be Blessed!

Cheri ♥

Let it Rain

I love the rain.  Especially in the dark.  The sound is soft as the rain dances off the windows and slides down the leaves to splash in the newly formed puddles.  The world seems to quiet for a while when it rains.  I like that.  I enjoy that.  I need that.

In the early morning hours, or the very late hours, the rain is almost like a lullaby.  And if there is even just a touch of moon in the sky, it becomes a palette for the clouds and wind to work their artistry.  It's a different masterpiece every time.  Nobody can create like He does. :)

Tonight it's very dark, and the rain is falling so softly... You can't hear it, but it leaves a light mist on your skin.  And it smells so fresh.  The car sounds are gone, no barking, or voices.  Just the quiet, with a beautiful night sky.  It's almost as if I'm in the wilderness, though in the middle of this busy city  -  miles from everywhere and nowhere... alone but not really.   He brought me out to experience this, to add it to my memory bank of good, and nice, and right.

Tonight I am just thankful that I'm here to enjoy the beauty and peace in this moment.  I need to savor this, to remember this, and to learn to see it in all things.

Blessings to you always...

Cheri ♥ 

Quiet Joy

Some days I wish.  I wish for sleep.  I wish for more hours in the day.  And for more laughter and smiles.  For strength to carry on, for guidance and direction, for wisdom in all I'm handed, and for more hugs from little arms.  Scattered thoughts, scattered me.


I sleep very little, not by choice, but it's been decades since I've had a peaceful rest.  I seem to always be teetering on the brink of awake.  I think my mind just likes to keep working.  There's so much to think about, you know...

In the very early, very dark morning hours, when the feline decides it's been long enough, she quietly walks up and along me, as if I won't feel her little paws in slow motion.  Then I can 'feel' her sitting patiently, staring at me, willing my eyes to open.  She must believe she has special powers, because it always works.  This was my morning today... once again.  I really don't mind.  I'm almost always already awake, but continuing to lie there, hoping sleep will find me.


In reality, I'd rather be awake.  I love the very late nights, and I love the very early mornings.  The world is quiet, and I don't have a million things vying for my attention, and I don't have to say a word.  Some days I make use of these hours and accomplish things, other days I just listen to the tranquil sounds of the wind, or rain, or sweet, soft birdsongs.


I love to observe all that surrounds me, without forming any thoughts at all... but rather just taking it all in and storing it for when it's needed.  With some dark hours I go outside, and it seems as if all the universe is sleeping.  I look at the stars, or the colorful horizon that is beginning to form...  

Have you ever taken the time to watch the sun rise, or the sun set?  We take if for granted most days, but it's such an awe-inspiring, majestic sight that happens so quickly.  I love the blessing I feel every time I've seen them.  That will never grow old to me.  And when I experience them, I just feel peace.  And love.  It's as if I can feel them wash over me, from the tip of my head to the ends of my toes.  And it's good.  I know I can handle the coming day.  (Thank you, God.)


My pastor once said, "Joy is a choice, a life-changing mindset not based on circumstances."  And it's true.  So even though I write from deep places, and even though I've walked through many deep valleys, I will continue to live this life I've been given in joy.  Sometimes quiet joy, sometimes tearful joy, and sometimes shouting-out-loud, dancing and twirling joy!  But joy, nonetheless.


I will continue to have sleep evade me, I'm sure.  And I will continue to be consumed with random thoughts.  But in it all, whether it's blatantly obvious or not, I have a soul full of joy, and if you see me, you'll see it leak out here and there.  Sometimes, it even pours.  :)


Be blessed in all you do this week...


Cheri ♥

In Search of Time

I am in search of time.  More time.  It seems to disappear so quickly, and yet I have so much I want to fill it with.  Things I want do-overs on.  Things I've been afraid to try.  Things I daydream about.  And things I hope for.


When a day arrives with areas of quiet, I seem to find myself just absorbing it rather than making the most of it.  I've come to the conclusion that there is just too much busyness round and about me.  Is it living in the city, where the days never end, even with darkness?  Is it taking in too much from the outside that's drowning the desires inside?  Or is it just exhaustion... from all of it?


I'm still working on figuring it out.  My heart aches for my friends who are hurting... whether from a failed relationship, or physical pain, or the need for comfort, healing, peace.  I find them on my mind whenever I drift into the hush.  I pray for them always, and talk when it seems the time is right.  I don't want to stop this.  I don't consider this taking my time away.  Instead, I feel this may be why I'm given some time.


I've always been a list maker.  Maybe I should keep a list of things I need to do.  To fill the void of what-if's and if-only's.  Or a list of things to stop doing.  To empty it.  To make room.  


Maybe both.


Be blessed.

Cheri ♥

Dancing on the Breeze...

I was laying yesterday, in the quiet silence of early evening, looking out over layers of treetops and beautiful blue sky.  There were so many shades of green dancing in the hot evening breeze, each layer of tree reacting differently to the swirling air currents.  

The lowest of the trees were most affected with what seemed a hurried response, nothing rhythmic or smoothe, like they were caught and couldn't decide which way to go.  The middle trees were in constant movement, but in a poetic sort of way... not too fast, not too slow.  But it was the top trees that had me mesmerized....

The furthest and tallest of the trees were rocking gently back and forth, as if rocking a baby in their branches, ever so softly, with wisps of warm currents washing over and around and through.  It was here I kept my focus.  

With thousands of thoughts and words making so much noise inside, I sought the comfort and quiet of these branches as they cradled and whispered their songs.  That place where it's safe to truly rest.  And be me.  Or at least, try to figure out 'me.'  My spirit was calm.  

Although the thought of being carried off by the breeze and dancing in the sky was quite enticing.   ♥

Be blessed, truly and deeply.

Cheri  ♥

I Don't Understand...

I don't understand evil.  I don't want to.  I don't understand hatred.  I don't want to.  I don't want to understand why they exist, or why they have to be such a big part of this world.  I don't understand why someone who is unhappy thinks the answer to that unhappiness is in hurting others.  Wouldn't it make more sense to just pack your bags and leave?  Go somewhere new?  Start over again?  How can anything... ANYTHING... be so bad in someone's life that they believe the answer is in lashing out at others?  Innocent others?  Beautiful, loving, dearly missed others? 

It's so senseless... 

And later, is there remorse?  Is there shock and disbelief at the reality of what they've done?  Or are these untrained, mind-controlled, robot-like souls really believing it's all a game?  That when the show is done, everybody gets up and goes home?  Like on TV?  Do they believe there are "do-overs?"  Do they understand the meaning of real?  Or final?

We need to get hold of our children's minds, and not let them be formed by the media, or video games, or gangs from the dark side.  We need to put God back into the family, God back into the schools, God back into the training of our children.  Let me re-phrase that:  We need to LET God back into the family, LET God back into the schools, LET God back into the training of our children.  He is here... we've just closed the door on Him so we can go about our busy, schedule-filled days of earning money to buy things we think we need, filling every moment of every day with non-essential things, running in a million directions at once, fracturing the family  -  the one true strength God designed for us.  And all the while, the devil is dancing with glee...


I am so disheartened these last few days.  Rest in peace, you dearly loved children of God.  I will pray for your families, and for the monster that sent you Home too soon.  ♥

Cheri  ♥

Taking Chances...

I spend a lot of time alone.  I don't mind it, as it gives me time... Time to think, time to listen, time to just be.  My mind swirls with thoughts of hopes and daydreams of things that may never come to pass.  And of words spoken that came and went.

At times, I think of nothing and everything, not focusing in any particular area, but just letting all that's inside rush around me, like soft, swirling wisps of warm air that touch me lightly, wrap around, and dissipate just as quickly as they came.  Today has been one of those days.


I am so thankful for my life, even with all the bumps in the road that I've had to climb over.  All those struggles have continued to shape my thinking, put things in perspective, and make me who I am.  And I don't feel like God is finished with me yet.

I have always been quiet.  I was shocked many years ago when I ran in to an old high school classmate and she shared something with me on who she thought I was back in the day.  We ran in different crowds at school, but for reasons other than what she thought.  I was very shy and never felt quite good enough.  I ran with a crowd who accepted me for who I was, and even there, I was a quiet follower.  I rarely ever let anyone into my life other than superficially.  There were only a handful of souls who really knew me, knew my family, knew about us growing up in an alcoholic home.  You have to hide things there, act normal, pretend you're not affected by those things that happen in the wee hours.  But you are.

Laura, Sherrie, Bill, Rob, Dawn, Doug, Roy...  That may be the list of the only ones I ever let in  -  most of the way.  It's still hard to feel safe at being exposed.  However, lately that fear is being outweighed by the possibilities of joy and love that I've seen and experienced.  I can't even begin to explain the peace that has emerged when I've let the doors to 'me' open, even just the tiniest crack.  

We should all want to be a friend, to share joys and sorrows, to laugh and cry together, to build each other up, and when needed, to hold each other up.  We need to let go of the fears and take chances.  Yes, the possibility is there that we can be emotionally hurt, but that in itself will help us to grow even stronger, too.

I'm finding comfort in reconnecting.  Or rather, connecting.  I like the smiles and happiness that fill my heart when I do.  People have so much joy and strength to give.  I have a hard time feeling worthy of receiving, but am working deeply on this flawed thinking.  At least I know it's flawed thinking, and that's a start.  Words cannot express the gratitude I've felt from the people that are in my life these days.  My cup runneth over... ♥

Thank you.

Cheri ♥  

Inner Quiet...

Today has been an 'inner' day for me.  A quiet day.  I was busy, worked 8 hours, talked here and there.  But quiet.  Mostly on the outside though.  Inside, there are hundreds of thoughts floating in and around each other looking for a place to land.  I don't really want them to land right now.  I don't feel strong enough to take a stand or make a decision.  I just want to keep listening and observing everything going on around me.  I want to remember the beauty in the things I see and the joy in what I hear.  I just want to pick out those parts and store them for future use.


I have a lot to say, but not out loud right now.



Be Blessed :)

Cheri ♥

(This post was from 7-17-12, but was misplaced from a sudden power outage.  Still in the "quiet" today, so I thought I'd share it anyway.)

Holding On to the Days

I disappeared for a little bit.  Not on purpose, but life gets busier than you expect it to be sometimes.  It starts turning in different directions that you find you have no control over.  And when that happens, in the long run, you know it's for good.  But that doesn't make the journey any easier.

Some people who are dear to my heart are moving away... My daughter and her family.  I find myself looking at them deeply, intensely, studying every feature.  I am trying to absorb all the smiles that make me smile, and the feel of their soft touch.  I want to remember the smell of their skin, and the gleam in their eyes.  I need to be so saturated with them that I can recall the memories all in an instant when I close my eyes... when I miss them so badly that my heart hurts.  I am staying happy and positive, but it's so hard to hold back the tears... they flow freely when I'm in the quiet.

Infectious laughter.  Pure joyful laughter.  That's what will get me through.  It's what my daughter is filled with.  And her daughters, too.  They can lift my burdens and carry me to happy places with the rejoicing in their voices.  I can actually see the joy on their faces and the love in their eyes, and I feel the warmth of honest love in their touch.  What a blessing, what a legacy, to leave.  I want to be a person like that...

Cheri ♥

Silenced...

Today I am silenced.  Not on purpose, mind you.  On the inside there are a million thoughts churning all at once, all day long.  But none is stronger than the other, and none are rising to the top.  It's a "deep" day. 


This morning at church the Pastor said, "Your failures have not removed your possibilities."  I know that truth, but I don't think I've allowed it to seep into the "deep" yet.   I'm working on it.  Thus all the churning.  And silence.


I know I'm not alone in this thought process.  It's scary to believe you have worth when you feel you don't deserve it.  Why does this happen?  Was it something that was said when we were young?  Was it making a wrong decision and not believing there could be forgiveness?  The Pastor also said, "In compassion, God says to us: 'I don't see you as a problem.  I see the problem as OURS.' "  I will remember this.


It's time.  I click my heels together and slowly whisper, "I do believe...  I do believe..."


Have a blessed week, and know that you are SO loved.  No matter what.

Cheri ♥

Peace...

My Hubby and I stumbled upon this creation on a walk in the woods recently.  Some creative soul thought to decorate the path with this natural art, and I must say, it put a smile in my heart.

"Peace."  Sometimes so elusive, but in reality, it surrounds us.  We just have to look a little harder some days.  There are times I need to be in 'quiet' so I can reconnect.  With myself.  With the world around me.  I need that peace to calm my soul, to give me a heart to hear more clearly.  I need it.  Other days, strong days, I can just tune out everything around me and find another kind of peace.  I need that one, too.  But mostly, the quiet works best.

I wish you Peace wherever you may find it.

Cheri ♥

Ready, Set...

Well, there's no time like the present.  The only way to get going is to start, so I start as a toddler learning to walk.  I needed an outlet that wasn't trapped between pages, where I could learn and share and grow.  I want, no, I need to set my inner artist free... she has been struggling to escape for many years now.  She was pushed aside by life.  It happens.  But she took so much of me with her when she went into hiding.  There is room once again, and I want to be filled.

So today, I have invited her back.  I am starting on this journey of self-discovery, and I hope you'll walk by my side.  I don't like to be alone.  Well, I know I'm never completely alone, as God is always in and around me, guiding each step if I'll only listen.  But I long to share the gifts He's given to me, and I long to learn from the gifts He's given you.

It's a beautiful 100 degrees here today!  It is a very hot one, but it is a day that we're all still able to share in, and we have much work to do.  Even though I may not know you well as of this moment, I hope that will change.  I look forward to our journeys together. :)

As for the name "Lifesongs and Lace?"  Each moment, each sight, each sound, each memory burns a song of this life into my heart.  Thus, "Lifesongs."  As for the "Lace"  -  I am a very hard worker, no matter the task at hand.  And whether I'm re-roofing a building, painting walls, moving furniture or fixing broken trinkets, I am still all girly-girl and love to dance and laugh and have fun.  Life is too short to be all curmudgeonly, so I choose instead to twirl in JOY!

Be blessed!

Cheri ♥