Life has been busy, and full. Good things of late, which is such a nice change.
Rob has been doing okay... better than what our imaginations had projected. We take life one day at a time and try to keep the imagination part in the background. For as long as we can. His bloodwork has come back with liver counts over 5 times what they should be, and nobody seems to know why. We are going between doctors, slowly, trying to figure it out. His latest checks for cancer have been negative, which to us is positive. A few minor things going on, but all in all, these quiet months have been a blessing, and a relief.
I had the opportunity to move to full-time at my new job, and because Rob lost his health care coverage at the beginning of the year, I felt I had to make the move... against Rob's wishes. I am exhausted, and I am never home, and I am no longer who I was. But the list of pros and cons made the decision for me in the long run, and here I am. Rob misses me being around, and so do I. I am too tired to even think about it any more though. I fall asleep without even trying, I just wish I could stay there sometimes. Not for good... not yet. There's so much more to do! But just long enough to find that peaceful breathing place again. I lost that long ago.
I try not to question why I am where I am, even though now and again the thoughts play through me. I have a lot of driving time, especially on high traffic days when it takes me nearly an hour to drive 7 miles. I know... crazy. I've been trying to use the time as effectively as I can lately. I've downloaded some podcasts that I listen to... I need this to put me in the place I need to be so I can do these new days I don't recognize. They spur me on, keep me moving and thinking, and fill my mind with better thoughts than I can in this time. I am enjoying these sounds in my quiet.
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I am into the wee morning hours again, which I haven't done in some time. My soul is urging me on, though my eyes are heavy. I usually start dozing off with my dinner plate in my lap, and with pen in hand and piles in place that have been waiting to be sorted for months now. The evenings I have left disappear all too quickly, as the piles continue to grow. When they get too big, I sort out some of the stress so they are more manageable. But they are still there. I will catch up some day. I am determined to. :)
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Tonight my heart is heavy, and I can't sort out exactly why. I spent some hours after work with my beautiful Nicole, who is carrying my third grandchild... those hours were the absolute highlight of my day! After I left her back at her home, and blew kisses to my granddaughters who called to me through their windows, I felt really good inside! And I needed that.
But at the same time, today was a strange one in my own world. Deep in the quiet me, it was a hard day. Tears flowed without warning, as happens too often. Broken hearts are hard to mend. I just keep filling the cracks with tears hoping that someday it won't hurt so much. I am comforted as I climb into my Saviors lap, knowing that I don't have to figure things out for myself, because He has it all under control. I just need faith, and patience. I am trying to get really good at those two. My pastor said that if it's not good yet, God's not done yet. So I will wait patiently...
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Our lease is up soon, and the urge to 'go' is strong in me. Not in Rob, but in me. I keep looking for a better fit. A better answer. Just better. Oh, don't get me wrong... where we are is good for the most part. And the thought of having to move again saps my strength in an instant. I'm not who I used to be, and I'm not sure I can do it again so soon. But at the same time the newness and the adventure call, and it's appealing to me. I will look until we have to make a final decision. Rob is good with what's good for me, though he prefers to just stay. The seeker in me is hard to tame. It needs change.
The weather is slowly starting to warm up, and the sun has been making a few more appearances lately. I am longing to sit on the balcony with a cup of coffee and a no-list day, watching the birds, listening to the early morning, and feeling the fresh spring breeze on my skin. Those are good days. They remind me of being in the northern places of my heart. Deep, peaceful, unhurried days of old.
Well, sleep is calling me in, and I don't want to fight it anymore. I still want to be up early, as there is a growing list in my head of things I want to accomplish this day. I am hoping to just be home today. Maybe let some creative out somewhere. I can hope. :)
Be blessed. Forgive. And mostly, love big.
Good night and good day. :)
In Love and Peace,
Cheri ♥
